fuck my life

So on the fourth day of my fast I ATE.
I was so disappointed in myself.
I couldn't even face updating.
But yeah, I've started my fast again today.
Only for two days this time though.

I've got a doctor's appointment in two days time.
And I am TERRIFIED.
What if he notices I've lost weight?
What if there's a sign that I'm losing weight that i don't know about?
I wonder if I drink a load of water, that'll make me weigh a little more..
I hope to god he doesn't weigh me.


I checked my BMI today.
17.4
Which is apparently underweight.
So why don't I feel it?

Maybe I'm not really 6ft. like I thought, Maybe I'm actually 5.9.
Which would put me at 18.6.
A BIG DIFFERENCE.
Or maybe my scales lie and I'm not really 126lbs.
I feel more like 140.
BMI 20.7
The thought is unbearable.

xoxo

Thinspo :}

Fast: Day 3

Well the third day of my fast hasn't gone very well.
First of all, I think my parents have worked it out.
I told them I couldn't go to the meal with them because I was ill, so they INSISTED that they come round to my flat and cook me something.
I tried to say no, but they wouldn't listen.
And they have the spare set of keys so I couldn't even ignore them when they got there.

Anyway, my mum found the food I'd thrown away yesterday.
I told her it was all out of date but I don't think she believed me.

Also they noticed that I didn't eat anything.
They didn't say anything about that though, at least not to my face.
Next time I need a better excuse.

Secondly,
I'm so fucking hungry. 
All I can think about is FOOD FOOD FOOD.

Four times I've gone into the kitchen and boiled the kettle to make a cuppa-soup before i decided against it.
I know they're only 90 calories but still.
That's 90 calories i could do without.

I think I'm having an off-day.

I am now 126lbs though, which I'm really happy about. :}
This means I've only got 14lbs left to lose!

I'm going to the Cinema tomorrow.
MASS WILLPOWER NEEDED.
I always eat too much popcorn.

xoxo

'Doctor Who' star Billie Piper reveals her battle with anorexia

Actress Billie Piper has told how her years as a teenage pop star and her desire to emulate photos of "skinny models" drove her to eat tissues and go for up to five days without solid food.

Piper, 24, who stars in BBC1's Doctor Who, said she became anorexic and would purge her body with laxatives. She also punched herself in the stomach to make her hunger pangs go away.

In her autobiography, Growing Pains, to be published later this month, she says it was her relationship with DJ Chris Evans that gave her a new zest for life and which made her starvation diet go "out the window".

Piper said she developed a fixation about her weight when, as a chart-topping 16-year-old, she overheard a TV presenter call her "fat" at the Brit Awards. She decided to cut out junk food, but when the weight failed to fall off quickly enough, "I'd cut everything out and see how long I could go before I really had to eat".

Coffee, Diet Coke and cigarettes would often be the only things she took on board. "At one point, I managed five days without solid food," she said in The Mail On Sunday's serialisation of her book.

Piper then began to look for drastic weight loss tips from other anorexics in magazines. "I read about a girl who ate tissues to fill herself up, so I sat on the floor of my hotel room somewhere in America and tried to force Kleenex down my throat. But the tissue thing was bollocks. Not only was I still hungry, I nearly choked on a ball of tissue.

"To make the hunger pangs go away, I used to punch my stomach hard. I searched out pictures of skinny models to spur me on. Normal-sized women seemed revolting to me."

EastEnders' Natalie Cassidy: 'I had an eating disorder and took laxatives'

Former EastEnders actress Natalie Cassidy says she was driven to an 'eating disorder' and resorted to laxatives in her bid to impress through a dramatic weight loss regime.

After putting the pounds back on, Cassidy reveals she crashed down to 7st 12lb at the height of her regime.

She admits size eight jeans struggled to stay on in the changing rooms.

'I really wasn't well. I was bordering on having an eating disorder. I became silly with my eating', she told Heat magazine.

'There were nights out when I'd go out for dinner and then I'd go home and take laxatives because I didn't want the food inside me.'

'Ally McBeal' Star Admits Anorexia

Calista Flockhart has admitted she did have an eating disorder when she starred in 'Ally McBeal'.

The 40-year-old beauty has confessed she didn't eat enough while appearing in the series because she felt under so much pressure. Calista told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "At the time of all that, I was seriously stressed.

"I was working 15-hour days on the set and then I was dealing with the end of the show, which was basically my life. "I started under-eating, over-exercising, pushing myself too hard and brutalising my immune system."

At the height of her fame in the late 90s, Calista repeatedly denied suffering from anorexia. The 5ft 5ins star allowed her weight to plunge to under seven stone at one point and shocked fans with her gaunt appearance at the Emmy Awards in 1998. The following year, fears over her health were sparked again after she collapsed on the set of her series.

But Calista, who is romancing Hollywood legend Harrison Ford, insists she takes much better care of herself these days. She said: "I just didn't find time to eat. I am much more healthy these days."